sometimes i hate her

it’s not fair, i know

because she’s not really that bad

but she drains me so much

that i find myself ignoring her.

it works okay when others are there,

but it gets awkward when they’re not.

pretending she doesn’t exist

is not very kind

and possibly just as draining,

but i think back to the times

i lost my temper,

let myself tell her

all the mean little thoughts

running through my head,

made her cry.

so i thought well, if i can’t say something nice…

and now i’ve got into this habit

of not even acknowledging her.

but it’s awkward, not fair,

more than possibly draining,

and i know it’s unhealthy too.

so i let myself meet her eyes

and hold her gaze,

and addressed her:

“what are we going to do about this?”

~

the face in the mirror had no reply,

but i felt a longing to love her.

i said to myself, “that’s a start.”